GO GET THE AX
(Grandpa's Wooden Leg)
by Lesley Nelson-Burns
Peepin' through the knot-hole
of grandpa's wooden leg,
Who'll wind the clock when I'm gone?
Go get the ax
There's a flea in Lizzie's ear,
For a boy's best friend is his mother.
Peepin' through the knot-hole
of grandpa's wooden leg,
Why do they build the shore so near the ocean?
Who cut the sleeves
Out of dear old daddy's vest,
And dug up Fido's bones to build the sewer?
A horsey stood around,
With his feet upon the ground,
Oh, who will wind the clock when I'm gone?
Go get the ax,
There's a fly on Lizzie's ear,
But a boy's best friend is his mother.
I fell from a window,
A second-story window,
I caught my eyebrow on the window-sill.
The cellar is behind the door,
Mary's room is behind the ax,
But a boy's best friend is his mother.
The horses run around,
Their feet are on the ground,
Oh, who will wind the clocks when I'm away, away?
Go get the ax,
There's a fly on the baby's chest
And a boy's best friend is his mother, his mother.
While peeping through a knot-hole
In grandpa's wooden leg,
Oh, who has put the shore so near the ocean, the ocean?
Go get the Listerine, sister's got a beau
and Grandma's false teeth will soon fit Jenny, fit Jenny.
While walking in the moonlight,
The bright and sunny moonlight
She kissed me in the eye with a tomato, tomato
A snake's belt slips because he has no hips
So he wears his neck tie around his middle, his middle
Back to the TOP
OH SUSANNA
By Stephen Foster
Original lyrics written in 1847
I come from Alabama
With my banjo on my knee
I'm going to Louisiana,
My true love for to see
It rained all night
The day I left
The weather it was dry
The sun so hot,
I froze to death
Susanna, don't you cry
Oh, Susanna,
Oh don't you cry for me
For I come from Alabama
With my banjo on my knee
I had a dream the other night
When everything was still
I thought I saw Susanna
A-coming down the hill
The buckwheat cake
Was in her mouth
The tear was
In her eye
Says I, I'm coming from the south
Susanna, don't you cry
Oh, Susanna,
Oh don't you cry for me
For I come from Alabama
With my banjo on my knee
Back to the TOP
JOHNNY VERBECK
Once there was a Dutchman,
his name was Johnny Verbeck
He was a dealer in sausages and sauerkraut and spec
Johnny owned a meat shop;
the finest ever seen,
And one day he invented a sausages machine.
Chorus:
Oh, Mr. Mr. Johnny Verbeck
How could you be so mean
I'd told you you'd be sorry for
Inventing that machine.
Now all the neighbor's cats and
dogs will never more be seen.
They'll all be ground to sausages
In Johnny Verbeck's machine. Bang
One day a little Dutch boy came
walking in the store.
He bought a pound of sausages and
laid them on the floor.
The boy began to whistle, he
whistled up a tune,
All the little sausages went dancing
around the room.
(Chorus)
One day the machine got busted;
the darn thing wouldn't go,
So Johnny Verbeck, he crawled inside
To see what made it so.
His wife she had a nightmare, and
walking in her sleep,
She gave the crank a heck of a yank
and Johnny Verbeck was meat.
(Chorus)
Back to the TOP
PLEASE MR. CUSTER
Charlie Drake
(BS = Backing Singers SOLO)
(Shrieks and Red Indian sounds in background)
(BS)That famous day in history
The men of the 7th Cavalry went riding on
And from the rear a voice was heard
A brave young man with a trembling word
Rang loud and clear
(SOLO)What am I doing here?
Please Mr.Custer, I don't wanna go
Eh, er, Mr.Custer Please don't make me go
I had a dream last night about the comin' fight
Somebody yelled "Attack!"
And there I stood with an arrow in my back
Please Mr.Custer, I don't wanna go
Oh-oh, oh..
(Speaks) Look at 'em bushes out there, they're movin'
There's an Indian behind every one of 'em
Er, um, Mr.Custer, may I be excused for the rest of the afternoon, please?
Wanna change my library book
Oy watchout - duck your head!
Oo-er, bit late on that one, son
God, I bet that don't half hurt
(BS) They were sure of victory
The men of the 7th Cavalry as they rolled on
When from the rear a voice was heard
That same great voice with a trembling word
Rang loud and clear
(SOLO) What am I doing here?
Please Mr.Custer, I don't wanna go
Er, listen, er, Mr.Custer Please don't make me go
There's a redskin waitin' out there, waitin' to cut my hair
A coward I've been called
But I don't wanna wind up dead or bald
Please Mr.Custer, I don't wanna go
Oo-errr, err-oo
(SOLO speaks) Now, let's see, what's the Indian word for "friend"?
Oh yes, I know "kimo-sabe," yeah that's it
Oy, you lot out there "kimo-sabe!"
(Arrow whizzes by) Ooo!
Oooh! - no, that ain?t it
Look at 'em out there
Running around like a bunch of wild Indians
Bunch of wild Indians! Hahahaha
Now this is no time for joking
(Sound of many arrows whizzing by)
Oo oh oo help!
Mr Custer?
Oh my God!
(Fades) Back to the TOP
GUITARZAN
By Ray Stevens
He's free as the breeze
He's always at ease
He lives in the jungle and hangs by his knees
As he swings through the trees
With a trapeze in his B.V.D.s
He's got a union card and he's practicing hard
To play, the guitar, gonna be a big star
Yeah, he's gonna go far
And carry moonbeams home in a jar
He ordered Chets guitar course C.O.D.
Makes A and E and hes working on B
Big C&W and R&B and even the chimpanzees agree
That someday soon hell be a celebrity
Get it, get it, get it.
Gitarzan, he's a gitar man
He's all you can stand
Give him a hand, gitarzan
He's got a girl named Jane
With no last name
Kinda homely and plain
But he loves her just the same
Cause she kindles the flame
And it drives him insane
When he hears her say
She really does her thing
It's her claim to fame
Come on sing one Jane
Baby, baby, oh baby
Baby, oh baby
They've got a pet monkey who likes
To get drunk and sing boogie woogie
And it sounds real funky
Come on your turn boy
Sing one monkey
Lets hear it for the monkey
On Saturday night they need some excitement
Jane gets right and the monkey gets tight
And their voices unite
In the pale moonlight
And it sounds all right
Yeah, it's dynamite, it's out of sight
Lets hear it right now
Baby, baby oh baby
Yeah, shut up baby, I'm trying to sing
Get it, get it, get it
Repeat Chorus
Back to the TOP
ALONG CAME JONES
I plopped down in my easy chair and turned on Channel 2
A bad gunslinger called Salty Sam was chasin' poor Sweet Sue
He trapped her in the old sawmill and said with an evil laugh,
"If you don't give me the deed to your ranch
I'll saw you all in half!"
And then he grabbed her (and then)
He tied her up (and then)
He turned on the bandsaw (and then, and then...!)
[Chorus:]
And then along came Jones
Tall thin Jones
Slow-walkin' Jones
Slow-talkin' Jones
Along came long, lean, lanky Jones
Commercial came on, so I got up to get myself a snack
You should've seen what was goin' on by the time that I got back
Down in the old abandoned mine, Sweet Sue was havin' fits
That villain said, "Give me the deed to your ranch
Or I'll blow you all to bits!"
And then he grabbed her (and then)
He tied her up (and then)
He lit the fuse to the dynamite (and then, and then...!)
[Chorus]
I got so bugged I turned it off and turned on another show
But there was the same old shoot-'em-up and the same old rodeo
Salty Sam was tryin' to stuff Sweet Sue in a burlap sack
He said, "If you don't give me the deed to your ranch
I'm gonna throw you on the railroad tracks!"
And then he grabbed her (and then)
He tied her up (and then)
He threw her on the railroad tracks (and then)
A train started comin' (and then, and then...!)
[Chorus]
Back to the TOP
DOES YOUR CHEWING GUM
LOSE IT'S FLAVOR
ON THE BEDPOST OVER NIGHT?
By Lonnie Donegan
Oh-me, oh-my, oh-you
Whatever shall I do
Hallelujah, the question is peculiar
I'd give a lot of dough
If only I could know
The answer to my question
Is it yes or is it no
Does your chewing gum lose its flavor
On the bedpost overnight
If your mother says don't chew it
Do you swallow it in spite
Can you catch it on your tonsils
Can you heave it left and right
Does your chewing gum lose its flavor
On the bedpost overnight
Here comes the blushing bride
The groom is by her side
Up to the altar
Just as steady as Gibraltar
Why, the groom has got the ring
And it's such a pretty thing
But as he slips it on her finger
The choir begins to sing
Does your chewing gum lose its flavor
On the bedpost overnight
If your mother says don't chew it
Do you swallow it in spite
Can you catch it on your tonsils
Can you heave it left and right
Does your chewing gum lose its flavor
On the bedpost overnight
Now the nation rise as one
To send their only son
Up to the White House
Yes, the nation's only White House
To voice their discontent
Unto the Pres-i-dent
They pawn the burning question
What has swept this continent
[Lonnie speaks:]
If tin whistles are made of tin
What do they make fog horns out of
Boom, boom
Does your chewing gum lose its flavor
On the bedpost overnight
If your mother says don't chew it
Do you swallow it in spite
Can you catch it on your tonsils
Can you heave it left and right
Does your chewing gum lose its flavor
On the bedpost overnight
On the bedpost overnight
[Man:]
Hello there, I love you and the one that holds you tight
[Lonnie:]
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday
Thursday, Friday, Sat'day night
On the bedpost overnight
[Man:]
A dollar is a dollar and a dime is a dime
[Lonnie:]
He's singin' out the chorus
But he hasn't got the time
On the bedpost overnight, yeah
Back to the TOP
MY BOOMERANG WON'T COME BACK
by Rolf Harris
{Oom-yacka-wurka, oom-yacka-wurka, oom-yacka-wurka}
In the bad backlands of Australia
Many years ago,
The aborigine tribes were meeting,
Having a big pow-wow.
{Oom-yacka-wurka, oom-yacka-wurka}
"We got a lot of trouble, Chief,
On account of your son Mack."
"My boy Mack? Why, what's wrong with him?"
Drake: My boomerang won't come back.
"Your boomerang won't come back?"
Drake: My boomerang won't come back,
My boomerang won't come back,
I've waved the thing all over the place,
Practised till I was black in the face,
I'm a big disgrace to the Aborigine race,
My boomerang won't come back.
Drake: I can ride a kangaroo {yeah yeah}
Make kinkajou stew {yeah yeah}
But I'm a big disgrace to the Aborigine race,
My boomerang won't come back.
They banished him from the tribe then
And sent him on his way,
He had a backless boomerang
So here he could not stay.
{Outback animal noises.}
Drake: [Spoken] This is nice, innit? Getting banished at my time of life.
What a way to spend an evening: sitting on a rock in the middle
of the desert with me boomerang in me hand. I shall very likely get bushwhacked.
{An animal roars; Drake shrieks back.}
Drake: Get out of it! You nasty bushwhacking animal. Think I'll make a nice cup of tea.
{Doing, doing, doing...} Good gracious! There goes a kangaroo.
I must have a practice with me boomerang: hit him right behind the left earhole.
Now then, slowly back.
[Gruff voice] If you throw that thing at me, I'll jump right on your head.
{It chuckles and bounces away.}
Drake: Innit marvellous? Got a land full of kangaroos and I had to pick that one.
For three long months he sat there
Or maybe it was four,
Then an old old man in a kangaroo skin
Came a-knocking at his door.
"Well, I'm the local witch doctor, son,
They call me George Alfred Black.
Now tell me, what's your trouble, boy?"
DRAKE: My boomerang won't come back.
"Your boomerang won't come back?"
DRAKE: My boomerang won't come back,
My boomerang won't come back,
I've waved the thing all over the place,
Practised till I was black in the face,
I'm a big disgrace to the Aborigine race,
My boomerang won't come back.
"Don't worry, boy, I know the trick,
And to you I'm gonna show it.
If you want your boomerang to come back,
Well first you've got to... throw it."
DRAKE: Ooh, yes! Never thought of that. Daddy will be pleased.
Must have a go, nyuh-huh! Excuse me.
Now then, slowly back... and throw.
(Boomerang whizzes away; Sounds of a plane approaching and then falling from the sky.)
DRAKE: Ooh my God! I've hit the flying doctor. Eee-hee-hee! Can you do first aid?
Witch Doctor: Don't talk to me about first aid, boy, you owe me fourteen chickens, you know, when
I learned you to throw the boomerang, you know, first things first.
DRAKE: Yes, I know that, but I mean, I think on this occasion, you know, you could be a bit more
perspective...........
Back to the TOP
TIE ME KANGAROO DOWN, SPORT
by Rolf Harris
Watch me wallabies feed, mate
Watch me wallabies feed,
They're a dangerous breed, mate
So watch me wallabies feed
Altogether now!
CHORUS:
Tie me kangaroo down, sport
Tie me kangaroo down
Tie me kangaroo down, sport
Tie me kangaroo down
Keep me cockatoo cool, Curl,
Keep me cockatoo cool
Ah, don't go acting the fool, Curl
Just keep me cockatoo cool
Altogether now!
(CHORUS)
'n' take me koala back, Jack
Take me koala back
He lives somewhere out on the track, Mac
So take me koala back
Altogether now!
(CHORUS)
Let me abos go loose, Lew
Let me abos go loose
They're of no further use, Lew
So let me abos go loose
Altogether now!
(CHORUS)
And mind me platypus duck, Bill
Mind me platypus duck
Ah, don't let 'im go running amok, Bill
Just mind me platypus duck
Altogether now!
(CHORUS)
Play your didgeridoo, Blue
Play your didgeridoo
Ah, like, keep playin' 'til I shoot thru, Blue
Play your didgeridoo
Altogether now!
(CHORUS)
Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred
Tan me hide when I'm dead
So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde
And that's it hangin' on the shed!!
Altogether now!
(CHORUS)
Back to the TOP
ITSY BITSY TEENIE WEENIE YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINI
by
Written by: (Paul Vance, Lee Pockriss)
Recorded by: "Brian Hyland"
She was afraid to come out of the locker
She was as nervous as she could be
She was afraid to come out of the locker
She was afraid that somebody would see
Two, three, four, tell the people what she wore
It was an itsy, bitsy, teenie, weenie, yellow polka-dot bikini
That she wore for the first time today
An itsy, bitsy, teentie, weenie, yellow polka-dot bikini
So in the locker she wanted to stay
Two, three, four, stick around we'll tell you more
She was afraid to come out in the open
And so a blanket around she wore
She was afraid to come out in the open
And so she sat bundled up on the shore
Two, three, four, tell the people what she wore
It was an itsy, bitsy, teenie, weenie, yellow polka-dot bikini
That she wore for the first time today
An itsy, bitsy, teentie, weenie, yellow polka-dot bikini
So in the blanket she wanted to stay
Two, three, four, stick around we'll tell you more
Now she's afraid to come out of the water
And I wonder what she's gonna do
Now she's afraid to come out of the water
And the poor little girl's turning blue
Two, three, four, tell the people what she wore
It was an itsy, bitsy, teenie, weenie, yellow polka-dot bikini
That she wore for the first time today
An itsy, bitsy, teentie, weenie, yellow polka-dot bikini
So in the water she wanted to stay
(From the locker to the blanket)
(From the blanket to the shore)
(From the shore to the water)
Yes, there isn't any more
Back to the TOP
DANG ME
by Roger Miller
Boo-woo Boop boop boop boop boo -ba-oo-ba boo boo bow
Ba-boo-ba bam...
Ba-bye-oo ba ba ba ba - by-oo boo boo bow
Well here I sit, gettin' ideas
Ain't nothing but a fool would live like this
Out all night and runnin' wild
Woman sittin' home with a month old child
CHORUS:
Dang me, dang me
They oughta take a rope and hang me
High from the highest tree
Woman would you weep for me.
Just sittin' around drinkin' with the rest of the guys
Six rounds bought, and I bought five
Spent the groceries and half the rent
Like fourteen dollars and twenty seven cents.
(CHORUS)
They say roses are red and violets are purple
Sugar is sweet and so is maple surple
Well I'm the seventh out of seven sons
My pappy was a pistol
I'm a son of a gun.
(CHORUS)
Back to the TOP
KING OF THE ROAD
by Roger Miller
Trailers for sale or rent
Rooms to let...fifty cents.
No phone, no pool, no pets
I ain't got no cigarettes
Ah, but..two hours of pushin' broom
Buys an eight by twelve four-bit room
I'm a man of means by no means
King of the road.
Third boxcar, midnight train
Destination...Bangor, Maine.
Old worn out clothes and shoes,
I don't pay no union dues,
I smoke old stogies I have found
Short, but not too big around
I'm a man of means by no means
King of the road.
I know every engineer on every train
All of their children, and all of their names
And every handout in every town
And every lock that ain't locked
When no one's around.
I sing,
Trailers for sale or rent
Rooms to let, fifty cents
No phone, no pool, no pets
I ain't got no cigarettes
Ah, but, two hours of pushin' broom
Buys an eight by twelve four-bit room
I'm a man of means by no means
King of the road
Back to the TOP
CHUG-A-LUG
by Roger Miller
CHORUS
Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug
Make you want to holler hi-de-ho
Burns your tummy, don'tcha know
Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug
Grape wine in a Mason jar
Homemade and brought to school
By a friend of mine 'n' after class
Me and him and this other fool decide that we'll drink up what's left
Chug-a-lug, so we helped ourself
First time for everything
Mm, my ears still ring
CHORUS
4-H and FFA on a field trip to the farm
Me 'n' a friend sneak off behind
This big old barn where we uncovered a covered-up moonshine still
And we thought we'd drink our fill
And I swallered it with a smile
*Bllll-bbbb*, I run ten mile
CHORUS
Jukebox 'n' sawdust floor
Sumpin' like I ain't never seen
And I'm just going on fifteen
But with the help of my finaglin' uncle I get snuck in
For my first taste of sin.
I said "Lemme have a big old sip"
*Bllll-bbbb*, I done a double back flip
CHORUS
Back to the TOP
MISSISSIPPI SQUIRREL REVIVAL
by Ray Stevens
Well, when I was a kid I'd take a trip every summer down the Mississippi
To visit my granny in her antebellum world
I'd run barefooted all day long climbin' trees free as a song
And one day I happened to catch myself a squirrel
Well, I stuffed him down in an old shoe box, punched a couple of holes in the top
And when Sunday came I snuck him into Church
I was sittin' way back in the very last pew showin' him to my good buddy Hugh
When that squirrel got loose and went totally berserk
Well, what happened next is hard to tell
Some thought it was heaven others thought it was hell
But the fact that something was among us was plain to see
As the choir sang "I Surrender All" the squirrel ran up Harv Newlan's coveralls
Harv leaped to his feet and said, "Somethin's got a hold on me", Yeow!
Chorus:
The day the squirrel went berserk
In the First Self-Righteous Church
In the sleepy little town of Pascagoula
It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!
Well, Harv hit the aisles dancin' and screamin'
Some thought he had religion others thought he had a demon
And Harv thought he had a weed eater loose in his Fruit-Of-The-Looms
He fell to his knees to plead and beg and the squirrel ran out of his britches leg
Unobserved to the other side of the room
All the way down to the amen pew where sat Sister Bertha better-than-you
Who'd been watchin' all the commotion with sadistic glee
But you should've seen the look in her eyes
When that squirrel jumped her garters and crossed her thighs
She jumped to her feet and said "Lord have mercy on me"
As the squirrel made laps inside her dress
She began to cry and then to confess to sins that would make a sailor blush with shame
She told of gossip and church dissension but the thing that got the most attention
Was when she talked about her love life and then she started naming names
Chorus:
Well seven deacons and the pastor got saved,
Twenty-five thousand dollars was raised and fifty volunteered
For missions in the Congo on the spot
Even without an invitation there were at least five hundred rededications
And we all got baptized whether we needed it or not
Now you've heard the bible story I guess
How he parted the waters for Moses to pass
Oh the miracles God has wrought in this old world
But the one I'll remember 'til my dyin' day
Is how he put that Church back on the narrow way
With a half crazed Mississippi squirrel
Chorus:
Back to the TOP
WITCH DOCTOR
By Dave Seville
I told the witch doctor I was in love with you
I told the witch doctor I was in love with you
And then the witch doctor, he told me what to do
He said that ....
(Chorus:)
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang...
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang
I told the witch doctor you didn't love me true
I told the witch doctor you didn't love me nice
And then the witch doctor, he gave me this advice
He said to ...
(Repeat Chorus)
Now, you've been keeping love from me
Just like you were a miser
And I'll admit I wasn't very smart
So I went out and found myself
A guy that's so much wiser
And he taught me the way to win your heart
My friend the witch doctor, he taught me what to say
My friend the witch doctor, he taught me what to do
I know that you'll be mine when I say this to you
Oh, Baby ....
(Repeat Chorus)
Back to the TOP
PURPLE PEOPLE EATER
By Sheb Wooley
Well I saw the thing comin' out of the sky
It had one long horn, one big eye
I commenced to shakin' and I said "ooh-eee"
It looks like a purple people eater to me
It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
(One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater)
One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me (One eye? )
Well he came down to earth and he lit in a tree
I said Mr. Purple People Eater, don't eat me
I heard him say in a voice so gruff
I wouldn't eat you cuz you're so tough
It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me (One horn? )
I said Mr. Purple People Eater, what's your line
He said it's eatin' purple people and it sure is fine
But that's not the reason that I came to land
I wanna get a job in a rock and roll band
Well bless my soul, rock and roll, flyin' purple people eater
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me
And then he swung from the tree and he lit on the ground
He started to rock, really rockin' around
It was a crazy ditty with a swingin' tune
Sing a boop boop aboopa lopa lum bam boom
Well bless my soul, rock and roll, flyin' purple people eater
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple people eater
One-eyed.one-horned, flyin' purple people eater
Sure looks strange to me (Purple People? )
And then he went on his way, and then what do ya know
I saw him last night on a TV show
He was blowing it out, a'really knockin' em dead
Playin' rock and roll music through the horn in his head
Back to the TOP
MAIRZY DOATS
words and music by Milton Drake,
AI Hoffman
and Jerry Livingston
I know a ditty nutty as a fruitcake
Goofy as a goon and silly as a loon
Some call it pretty, others call it crazy
But they all sing this tune:
Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?
Yes! Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?
If the words sound queer and funny to your ear, a little bit jumbled and jivey
Sing "Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy"
Oh! Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you-oo?
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?
Back to the TOP
THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT
By The Kingsmen
In duh valley of duh jolly... (Ho - ho - ho)
Heard about the Jolly Green Giant (potatoes)
He's so big and mean (artichoke hearts)
He stands there laughin' with his hands on his hips
And then he hits you with a can of beans
He lives down there in his valley (Brussels sprouts)
The cat stands tall and green (spinach)
Well, he ain't no prize, and there's no women his size
And that's why the cat's so mean
One day he left His valley pad
I mean to say This cat was mad
Now listen 'round He wasn't gone long
And then he ran into an Amazon
Well, this changed his whole complexion (broccoli)
He had never seen such a beautiful sight (corn)
Well, he looked at her
And she looked at him
And she almost passed out from fright
He looked at her Thought, "what a dilly"
He touched her once She slapped him silly
This was something He had never sensed
He looked at her As she commenced
Now listen, pal This ain't no fluke
I can't see goin' with a big green kook"
You've heard about the Jolly Green Giant (eggplant)
Don't let his troubles cross your mind (celery stalks)
He couldn't get Sally, so went back to his valley
The cat was color-blind
MUSIC TO FADE
Back to the TOP
ALLY OOP
by Dallas Frazier
[Lyrics in (parentheses) sung by backup group only]
(Oop-oop, oop, oop-oop)
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
There's a man in the funny papers we all know
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
He lives 'way back a long time ago
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
He don't eat nothin' but a bear cat stew
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
Well, this cat's name is-a Alley-Oop
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
He got a chauffeur that's a genuwine dinosawruh
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
And he can knuckle your head before you count to fawruh
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
He got a big ugly club and a head fulla hairuh
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
Like great big lions and grizzly bearuhs
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
(Alley-Oop) He's the toughest man there is alive
(Alley-Oop) Wearin' clothes from a wildcat's hide
(Alley-Oop) He's the king of the jungle jive
(Look at that cave man go!!) (SCREAM)
He rides thru the jungle tearin' limbs offa trees
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
Knockin' great big monstahs dead on their knees
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
The cats don't bug him cuz they know bettah
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
Cuz he's a mean motah scootah and a bad go-gettah
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
(Alley-Oop) He's the toughest man there is alive
(Alley-Oop) Wears clothes from a wildcat's hide
(Alley-Oop) He's the king of the jungle jive
(Look at that cave man go!!) (SCREAM)
Thair he goes,
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
Look at that cave man go
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
He sure is hip ain't he
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
Like what's happening
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
He's too much
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
Ride, Daddy, ride
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
Hi-yo dinosawruh
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
Ride, Daddy, ride
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
Get 'em, man
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
Like--hipsville
(Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop)
Back to the TOP
HELLO MUDDAH, HELLO FADDUH
by Allan Sherman
Hello, Muddah! Hello, Fadduh!
Here I am at Camp Granada.
Camp is very entertaining,
And they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining.
I went hiking with Joe Spivy.
He developed poison ivy.
You remember Lynnard Skynnard?
He got ptomaine poinsoning last night after dinner.
All the counselors hate the waiters.
And the lake has alligators.
And the head coach wants no sissies,
So he reads to us from something called Ulysses.
Now I don't want this to scare ya,
But my bunk mate has malaria.
You remember Jeffrey Hardy?
They're about to organize a searching party.
Take me home.
Oh Muddah, Fadduh,
Take me home.
I hate Granada.
Don't leave me
Out in the forest where, I might
Get eaten by a bear.
Take me home.
I promise I will not make noise,
Or mess the house with other boys.
Oh, please don't make me stay,
I've been here one whole day.
Dearest Fadduh, Darling Muddah,
How's my precious, little bruddah?
Let me come home if you miss me.
I would even let Aunt Bertha hug and kiss me!
Wait a minute!
It's stopped hailing.
Guys are swimming.
Guys are sailing.
Playing baseball.
Gee! That's better.
Muddah, Fadduh, kindly disregard this letter!
Back to the TOP
BEEP BEEP
(very slowly)
Beep beep beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep
While riding in my Cadillac
What to my surprise
A little Nash Rambler was following me
About one third my size
The guy musta wanted to pass me up
As he kept on tooting his horn
I'll show him that a Cadillac is not a car to scorn
Beep beep
beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep
(slowly)
I pushed my foot down to the floor
To give the guy the shake
But the little Nash Rambler stayed right behind
He still had on his brake
He musta thought his car had more guts
As he kept on tooting his horn (beep beep)
I'll show him that a Cadillac is not a car to scorn
Beep beep
beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep
(normal speed)
My car went into passing gear
And we took off with gust (whoosh)
Soon we were going ninety
Musta left him in the dust
When I peeked in the mirror of my car
I couldn't believe my eyes
The little Nash Rambler was right behind
You'd think that guy could fly
Beep beep
beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep
(quickly)
Now we were doing a hundred and ten
This certainly was a race
For a Rambler to pass a Caddy
Would be a big disgrace
The guy musta wanted to pass me up
As he kept on tooting his horn (beep beep)
I'll show him that a Cadillac is not a car to scorn
Beep beep
beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep
(very quickly)
Now we're going a hundred twenty
As fast as I can go
The Rambler pulled along side of me
As if we were going slow
The fella rolled down his window
And yelled for me to hear
"Hey buddy how do I get this car outa second gear?"
Back to the TOP
CHARLIE BROWN
performed by The Coasters
Fe-fe, fi-fi, fo-fo, fum
I smell smoke in the auditorium
Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown
He's a clown, that Charlie Brown
He's gonna get caught
Just you wait and see
(Why's everybody always pickin' on me)
That's him on his knees
I know that's him
Yellin' 7 come 11
Down in the boys' gym
Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown
He's a clown, that Charlie Brown
He's gonna get caught
Just you wait and see
(Why's everybody always pickin' on me)
Who's always writing on the wall
Who's always goofing in the hall
Who's always throwing spit balls
Guess who (who, me) yeah, you
Who walks in the classroom, cool and slow?
Who calls the English teacher, Daddy-O?
Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown
He's a clown, that Charlie Brown
He's gonna get caught
Just you wait and see
(Why's everybody always pickin' on me)
Who walks in the classroom, cool and slow?
Who calls the English teacher, Daddy-O?
Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown
He's a clown, that Charlie Brown
He's gonna get caught
Just you wait and see
(Why's everybody always pickin' on me)
Back to the TOP
DING-A-LING
by Chuck Berry
When I was a little biddy boy
My grandma bought me a cute little toy
Two Silver bells on a string
She told me it was my ding-a-ling-a-ling
My Ding-A-Ling My Ding-A-Ling won't you play with My Ding-A-Ling
My Ding-A-Ling My Ding-A-Ling won't you play with My Ding-A-Ling
When I was little boy In Grammar school
Always went by the very best rule
But Evertime the bell would ring
You'd catch me playing with my ding-a-ling
Once while climbing the garden wall,
Slipped and fell had a very bad fall
I fell so hard I heard birds sing,
But I held on to My ding-a-ling
Once while swimming cross turtle creek
Man them snappers right at my feet
Sure was hard swimming cross that thing
with both hands holding my dingaling
Now this here song it ain't so bad
Prettiest little song that you ever had
And those of you who will not sing
must be playing with your on Ding-a-ling
Back to the TOP
THE CHIPMUNK SONG
(CHRISTMAS, DON'T BE LATE)
by David Seville
All right you Chipmunks! Ready to sing your song?
-I'll say we are!
-Yeah!
-Let's sing it now!
Okay, Simon?
-Okay!
Okay, Theodore?
-Okay!
Okay, Alvin? Alvin? ALVIN!
-OKAY!!!)
Christmas, Christmas time is near
Time for toys and time for cheer
We've been good, but we can't last
Hurry Christmas, hurry fast
Want a plane that loops the loop
Me, I want a hula hoop
We can hardly stand the wait
Please Christmas, don't be late.
Okay fellas get ready
That was very good, Simon.
-Naturally.
Very good Theodore.
-Ahhh.
Ah, Alvin, you were a little flat, watch it.
Ah, Alvin. Alvin. ALVIN!
-OKAY.
Want a plane that loops the loop
I still want a hula hoop
We can hardly stand the wait
Please Christmas, don't be late.
We can hardly stand the wait
Please Christmas, don't be late.
Very good, boys
-Lets sing it again! Yeah, lets sing it again!
No, That's enough, lets not overdo it
-What do you mean overdo it?
-We want to sing it again!
Now wait a minute, boys
-Why can't we sing it again?
-[chipmunk chatter]
Alvin, cut that out..Theodore, just a minute.
Simon will you cut that out? Boys...
Back to the TOP
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
IS MY TWO FRONT TEETH
Every body Pauses and stares at me
These two teeth are gone as you can see
I don't know just who to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve is as plain as it can be!
All I want for Christmas
is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,
see my two front teeth!
Gee, if I could only
have my two front teeth,
then I could wish you
"Merry Christmas."
It seems so long since I could say,
"Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!"
Gosh oh gee, how happy I'd be,
if I could only whistle (thhhh, thhhh)
All I want for Christmas
is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,
see my two front teeth.
Gee, if I could only
have my two front teeth,
then I could wish you
"Merry Christmas!"
Back to the TOP
MONSTER MASH
By Bobby "Boris" Pickett
I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise
He did the mash
He did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
He did the mash
It caught on in a flash
He did the mash
He did the monster mash
From my laboratory in the castle east
To the master bedroom where the vampires feast
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes
To get a jolt from my electrodes
They did the mash
They did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
They did the mash
It caught on in a flash
They did the mash
They did the monster mash
The zombies were having fun
The party had just begun
The guests included Wolf Man
Dracula and his son
The scene was rockin', all were digging the sounds
Igor on chains, backed by his baying hounds
The coffin-bangers were about to arrive
With their vocal group, "The Crypt-Kicker Five"
They played the mash
They played the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
They played the mash
It caught on in a flash
They played the mash
They played the monster mash
Out from his coffin, Drac's voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
He opened the lid and shook his fist
And said, "Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist?"
It's now the mash
It's now the monster mash
The monster mash
And it's a graveyard smash
It's now the mash
It's caught on in a flash
It's now the mash
It's now the monster mash
Now everything's cool, Drac's a part of the band
And my monster mash is the hit of the land
For you, the living, this mash was meant too
When you get to my door, tell them Boris sent you
Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash
The monster mash
And do my graveyard smash
Then you can mash
You'll catch on in a flash
Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash
Back to the TOP
LADY GODIVA
By Peter and Gordon
Seventeen, a beauty queen
She made a ride that caused a scene
In the town
Her long blonde hair
Hangin' down around her knees
All the cats who dig striptease
Prayin' for a little breeze
Her long blonde hair
Falling down across her arms
Hiding all the lady's charms
Lady Godiva
She found fame and made her name
A hollywood director came into town
And said to her
"How'd you like to be a star?"
"You're a girl that could go far"
"'specially dressed the way you are"
She smiled at him
Gave her pretty head a shake
That was Lady G's mistake
A-hey-hey-hey
Lady Godiva
He directs certificate 'X'
And people now are craning their necks
To see her
'cause she's a star
One that everybody knows
Finished with the striptease shows
Now she can't afford her clothes
Her long blonde hair
Lyin' on the barber's floor
Doesn't need it long anymore
Lady Godiva
Back to the TOP
LI'L RED RIDING HOOD
By Ronald Blackwell
Owoooooooo!
Who's that I see walkin' in these woods?
Why, it's Little Red Riding Hood.
Hey there Little Red Riding Hood,
You sure are looking good.
You're everything a big bad wolf could want.
Listen to me.
Little Red Riding Hood
I don't think little big girls should
Go walking in these spooky old woods alone.
Owoooooooo!
What big eyes you have,
The kind of eyes that drive wolves mad.
So just to see that you don't get chased
I think I ought to walk with you for a ways.
What full lips you have.
They're sure to lure someone bad.
So until you get to grandma's place
I think you ought to walk with me and be safe.
I'm gonna keep my sheep suit on
Until I'm sure that you've been shown
That I can be trusted walking with you alone.
Owoooooooo!
Little Red Riding Hood
I'd like to hold you if I could
But you might think I'm a big bad wolf so I won't.
Owoooooooo!
What a big heart I have-the better to love you with.
Little Red Riding Hood
Even bad wolves can be good.
I'll try to be satisfied just to walk close by your side.
Maybe you'll see things my way before we get to grandma's place.
Little Red Riding Hood
You sure are looking good
You're everything that a big bad wolf could want.
Owoooooooo! I mean baaaaaa! Baaa?
Back to the TOP
DISCO DUCK
By Rick Dees
[DD - Donald Duck voice]
[BS - background singers]
[EP - Elvis voice]
Went to a party the other night
All the ladies were treating me right
Moving my feet to the disco beat
How in the world could I keep my seat
All of a sudden I began to change
I was on the dance floor acting strange
Flapping my arms I began to cluck
Look at me..
I'm the disco duck
[DD:] Ah, get down, mama
I've got to have me a woman, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
[BS:] Disco, disco duck
[DD:] Got to have me a woman
[BS:] Disco, disco duck
[DD:] Oh, get down, mama
[BS:] Try your luck, don't be a cluck, disco
[DD:] Disco
[BS:] Disco
[DD:] Disco
[BS:] Disco
[DD+BS] Disco
[BS:] Disco, disco duck
[DD:] All right
[BS:] Disco, disco duck
[DD:] Ah, get down mama,
Oh mama, shake your tail feather, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
When the music stopped I returned to my seat
But there's no stoppin' a duck and his beat
So I got back up to try my luck
Why look
[DD:] Everybody's doin' the
[DD+BS] Disco, disco duck
[DD+BS] Disco, disco duck
[BS:] Try your luck
[DD:] Wave to me
[BS:] Don't be a cluck
[DD:] Disco
[BS:] Disco
[DD:] Disco
[BS:] Disco
[DD+BS] Disco [BS:] Disco, disco duck
[DD:] My, oh my
[BS:] Disco, disco duck
[DD:] Ah, get down mama, ha, ha, ha, ha
[BS:] Try your luck, don't be a cluck
[DD:] Disco
[BS:] Disco
[DD:] Disco
[BS:] Disco
[DD+BS] Disco
[BS:] Disco, disco duck
[BS:] Disco
[BS:] Disco, disco duck
[BS:] Try your luck, don't be a cluck
[EP:] Thank you duck
[BS:] Disco
[EP:] For gettin' down
[BS:] Disco disco disco
[EP:] Thank you so very much
[BS:] Disco duck
[DD:] You're welcome
[BS:] Disco Disco Duck
[BS:] Try your luck, don't be a cluck
Disco, disco, disco
Back to the TOP
DEAD SKUNK
(IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD)
Recorded by: Loudon Wainwright III
Crossin' the highway late last night
He shoulda looked left and he shoulda looked right
He didn't see the station wagon car
The skunk got squashed and there you are!
You got yer
Dead skunk in the middle of the road
Dead skunk in the middle of the road
You got yer dead skunk in the middle of the road
Stinkin' to high Heaven!
Take a whiff on me, that ain't no rose!
Roll up yer window and hold yer nose
You don't have to look and you don't have to see
'Cause you can feel it in your olfactory
You got yer
Dead skunk in the middle of the road
Dead skunk in the middle of the road
You got yer dead skunk in the middle of the road
Stinkin' to high Heaven!
Yeah you got yer dead cat and you got yer dead dog
On a moonlight night you got yer dead toad frog
Got yer dead rabbit and yer dead raccoon
The blood and the guts they're gonna make you swoon!
You got yer
Dead skunk in the middle of the road
Dead skunk in the middle of the road
You got yer dead skunk in the middle of the road
Stinkin' to high Heaven!
C'mon stink!
You got it!
It's dead, it's in the middle
Dead skunk in the middle!
Dead skunk in the middle of the road
Stinkin' to high heaven!
All over the road, technicolor man!
Oh, you got pollution
It's dead, it's in the middle
And it's stinkin' to high, high Heaven
Back to the TOP
THEY'RE COMING
TO TAKE ME AWAY
(HA HA)
by Napoleon XIV (aka Jerry Samuels)
Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees and begged you
Not to leave because I'd go beserk?
WELL,
You left me anyhow and
Then the days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone completely
out of my mind
AND
(chorus 1):
They're coming to take me away,
Haha, they're coming to take me away,
Ho ho, hee hee, ha ha,
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice young men
In their clean white coats
And they're coming to take me AWAY,
HA HAAAA
You thought it was a joke,
and so you LAUGHED, YOU LAUGHED!
When I had said that losing you
Would make me flip my lid,
RIGHT?
You know you laughed.
I HEARD you laugh, you laughed
And laughed and laughed
And then you left,
But now you know I'm utterly mad
AND
(chorus 2):
They're coming to take me away,
Haha, they're coming to take me away,
Ho ho, hee hee, ha ha,
To the happy home with trees and flowers
And chirping birds and basket weavers
Who sit and smile and
Twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away,
HAHAAAAAAAAA
I cooked your food,
I cleaned your house,
And this is how you pay me back
For all my kind unselfish loving deeds
HUH?
Well, you just wait,
They'll find you yet,
And when they do, they'll put you in
the ASPCA, you mangy MUTT,
AND
(chorus 1)
(chorus 2)
(chorus 1 trailing into mumbles in the distance)
Back to the TOP
SMOKE, SMOKE, SMOKE
(THAT CIGARETTE)
by Phil Harris
Now I'm a fella with a heart of gold,
The ways of a gentleman,
I've been told.
The kind of a guy that wouldn't even harm a flea
But if me and a certain character met
That guy that invented that cigarette
I'd murder that son of a gun in the first degree.
Well not because I don't smoke myself
I don't reckon they'll harm your health
I've smoked all my life and I'm not dead yet.
But nicotine slaves are all the same,
At a pettin' party or a poker game,
Everything's must stop while they smoke a cigarette.
Smoke! Smoke! Smoke! that cigarette.
Puff! Puff! Puff!
And if you smoke yourself to death,
Tell Saint Peter at the golden gate
That you hate to make him wait,
But you got to have another cigarette.
Now in a game of chance the other night,
Old Dame Fortune was doing me right.
The kings and queens just kept on comin' round
I played 'em hard and I bet 'em high
But my bluff didn't work on a certain guy
He kept on raisin' and layin' that money down
Yeah he'd raise me, and I'd raise him.
I sweated blood, gotta sink or swim;
He finally called, but he didn't raise the bet.
I said aces full, pal,
How 'bout you?
He said well I-I'm gonna tell you in a minute or two
But right now I got to have a cigarette.
Smoke! Smoke! Smoke! that cigarette.
Puff! Puff! Puff!
And if you smoke yourself to death,
Tell Saint Peter at the golden gate,
That you hates to make him wait,
But you gotta have another cigarette.
Now the other night I had a date
With the cutest little gal in the 48 states,
A high bred up-town fancy little dame.
She said she loved me,
And it seemed to me
That things were about like they oughtta be.
So Hand in hand we strolled down lover's lane.
She was oh so far from a cake of ice,
Our smoochin' party was going nice,
So help me Hannah I think I'd've been there yet
But I'd give her a kiss and a little squeeze
And she said, "Phil, would you excuse me please,
But I got to have a cigarette."
Smoke! Smoke! Smoke! that cigarette
Puff! Puff! Puff!
And if you puff yourself to death,
Tell Saint Peter at the golden gate,
That you hate to make him wait,
But you got to have another cigarette.
[Pouring sounds.]
Man, that's coffee.
Back to the TOP
THE STREAK
by Ray Stevens
(Reporter):
Hello, everyone, this is your action news reporter with all the news
that is news across the nation, on the scene at the supermarket. There
seems to have been some disturbance here. Pardon me, sir, did you see
what happened?
(Witness):
Yeah, I did. I's standin' overe there by the tomaters, and here he
come, running through the pole beans, through the fruits and vegetables,
nekkid as a jay bird. And I hollered over t' Ethel, I said, "Don't
look, Ethel!" But it's too late, she'd already been incensed.
(Chorus)
Here he comes, look at that, look at that
There he goes, look at that, look at that
And he ain't wearin' no clothes
Oh, yes, they call him the Streak
Look at that, look at that
Fastest thing on two feet
Look at that, look at that
He's just as proud as he can be
Of his anatomy
He goin' give us a peek
Oh, yes, they call him the Streak
Look at that, look at that
He likes to show off his physique
Look at that, look at that
If there's an audience to be found
He'll be streakin' around
Invitin' public critique
(Reporter):
This is your action news reporter once again, and we're here at the gas
station. Pardon me, sir, did you see what happened?
(Witness):
Yeah, I did. I's just in here gettin my car checked, he just appeared
out of the traffic. Come streakin' around the grease rack there, didn't
have nothin' on but a smile. I looked in there, and Ethel was gettin'
her a cold drink. I hollered, "Don't look, Ethel!" But it was too
late. She'd already been mooned. Flashed her right there in front of
the shock absorbers.
(Chorus)
He ain't crude, look at that, look at that
He ain't lewd, look at that, look at that
He's just in the mood to run in the nude
Oh, yes, they call him the Streak
Look at that, look at that
He likes to turn the other cheek
Look at that, look at that
He's always makin' the news
Wearin' just his tennis shoes
Guess you could call him unique
(Reporter):
Once again, your action news reporter in the booth at the gym, covering
the disturbance at the basketball playoff. Pardon me, sir, did you see
what happened?
(Witness):
Yeah, I did. Half time, I's just goin' down thar to get Ethel a snow
cone. And here he come, right out of the cheap seats, dribbling, right
down the middle of the court. Didn't have on nothing but his PF's.
Made a hook shot and got out through the concessions stand. I hollered up
at Ethel, I said, "Don't look, Ethel!" But it was too late. She'd
already got a free shot. Grandstandin', right there in front of the
home team.
(Chorus) (Witness):
Oh, yes, they call him the Streak Here he comes again.
Look at that, look at that Who's that with him?
The fastest thing on two feet Ethel? Is that you, Ethel?
Look at that, look at that What do you think you're
He's just as proud as he can be doin'? You git your
Of his anatomy clothes on!
He's gonna give us a peek
Oh, yes, they call him the Streak Ethel! Where you goin'?
Look at that, look at that Ethel, you shameless
He likes to show off his physique hussy! Say it isn't so,
Look at that, look at that Ethel! Ethelllllll!!!
If there's an audience to be found
He'll be streakin' around
Invitin' public critique
Back to the TOP
WHEN YOU'RE HOT, YOU'RE HOT
by Jerry Reed
Well me and Homer Jones and Big John Talley
Had a big crap game goin' back in the alley
And I kept rollin' them sevens, winnin' all them pots
My luck was so good I could do no wrong
I jest kept on rollin' and controllin' them bones
And finally they jest threw up their hands and said
"When you hot, you hot"
I said "Yeah?"
When you're hot, you're hot
And when you're not, you're not
Put all the money in and let's roll 'em again
When you're hot, you're hot
(La la la la la la la) (La la la la la)
(La la la la la la la, when you're hot, you're hot)
Well, now every time I rolled them dice I'd win
And I was just gettin' ready to roll 'em again
When I heard somethin' behind me
I turned around and there was a big old cop
He said "Hello, boys" and then he gave us a grin 'n' said
"Look like I'm gonna hafta haul you all in
And keep all that money for evidence"
I said, "Well, son when you hot, you hot"
He said "Yeah"
When you're hot, you're hot
And when you're not, you're not
You can 'splain it all down at City Hall
I say, yeah, when you're hot, you're hot
You're hot
(La la la la la la la) (La la la la la)
(La la la la la la la, when you're hot, you're hot)
Well, when he took us inta court I couldn't believe my eyes
The judge was a fishin' buddy that I recognized
I said "Hey, judge, old buddy, old pal"
"I'll pay ya that hundred I owe ya if you'll get me outta this spot"
So he gave my friends a little fine to pay
He turned around and grinned at me and said
"Ninety days, Jerry, when you hot, you hot"
'N' I said "Thanks a lot"
When you're hot, you're hot
And when you're not, you're not
He let my friends go free and throwed the book at me
He said "Well, when you're hot, you're hot"
I said, "Well I'll tell ya one thing judge, old buddy, old pal
If you wasn't wearin' that black robe I'd take out in back of this courthouse
And I'd try a little bit of your honor on
You understand that, you hillbilly?
Who gonna collect my welfare?"
(When you're hot, you're hot)
"Pay for my Cadillac?
Whadda you mean 'contempt of court'?"
(When you're hot, you're hot)
"Judge"
Back to the TOP
AHAB THE ARAB
by Ray Stevens
Let me tell you about Ahab the Arab
The sheik of the burning sand
He had emeralds and rubies just drippin' off 'a him
And a ring on every finger of his hand
He wore a big ol' turban wrapped around his head
And a scimitar by his side
And, every evenin', about midnight
He'd jump on his camel named Clyde, and ride
[Spoken] Silently through the night to the sultan's tent where he
would secretly meet up with Fatima of the Seven Veils,
swingingest grade "A" number one US choice dancer in
the sultan's whole harem, 'cause, heh, him and her had
a thing goin', you know, and they'd been carryin' on
for some time now behind the sultan's back and you
could hear him talk to his camel as he rode out across the
dunes, his voice would cut through the still night desert
air and he'd say (imitate Arabic speech and finish with "Sold! American)
which is Arabic for, "Stop, Clyde!" and Clyde'd say, (imitate camel
sound), which is camel for, "What the heck did he say anyway?"
Well, he brought that camel to a screechin' halt (verbal screeching sound)
In the rear of Fatima's tent
Jumped off Clyde, snuck around the corner
And into the tent he went.
There he saw Fatima layin' on a zebra skin rug
With [Spoken in falsetto and possibly with female backups] "Rings on her fingers and
bells on her toes and a bone in her nose ho, ho."
[Spoken] There she was, friends, lyin' there in all her radiant
beauty, eating on a raisin, grape, apricot, pomegranate,
bowl of chittlin's, two bananas, three Hershey bars,
sipping on a RC co-cola listenin' to her transistor,
watchin' the Grand Ole Opry on the tube, readin' a Mad
magazine while she sung, "Does your chewing gum lose
it's flavor?" Yeah, Ahab walked up to her and he say,
(imitate Arabic speech), which is Arabic for "Let's twist
again like we did last summer, baby.!!" Ha, ha, ha!!
You know what I mean! Whew! She looked up at him from off the rug,
give him one of the sly looks,
She said (suggestive giggles, then outright laughter) "Crazy, crazy, crazy baby!"
('round and around and around and around, and around and around and around)
Yeah, and that's the story 'bout Ahab the Arab
The sheik of the burnin' sand
Ahab the Arab, the swingin' sheik of the burnin' sand
Back to the TOP
GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
CHORUS:
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me an' Grandpa, we believe.
She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
And we begged her not to go.
But she forgot her medication,
And she staggered out the door into the snow.
When we found her Christmas morning,
At the scene of the attack
She had hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminating Claus marks on her back.
CHORUS
Now we're all so proud of Grandpa,
He's been taking this so well.
See him in there watching football,
Drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel.
It's not Christmas without Grandma,
All the family's dressed in black.
And we just can't help but wonder
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
(SEND THEM BACK!!! )
CHORUS
Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig (ahhhhh!)
And the blue and silver candles,
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.
I've warned all my friends and neighbours,
Better watch out for yourselves.
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.
(Sing it, Grandpa!)
CHORUS
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